Constant Story "PICK UP THE PHONE BOOTH AND AISLE"; Constant Headline "^The latest in a long series of silly games^"; Release 2; Global undone; Global x1; Global n; Replace PronounsSub; Include "Parser"; Replace LMode1Sub; Replace LMode2Sub; Replace LMode3Sub; Replace ScoreSub; Replace FullScoreSub; Replace SaveSub; Replace RestoreSub; Replace Places1Sub; Replace Objects1Sub; Replace NotifyOnSub; Replace NotifyOffSub; Replace VerifySub; Replace QuitSub; Replace ExitSub; Object LibraryMessages "librarymessages", with before [ ; Miscellany: switch(n) { 1: "(considering the first sixteen objects only)^"; 2: "Nothing to do!"; 3: print " You have died "; 4: print " You have won "; 5: print "^Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game"; #IFDEF DEATH_MENTION_UNDO; print ", UNDO your last move"; #ENDIF; if (TASKS_PROVIDED==0) print ", give the FULL score for that game"; if (deadflag==2 && AMUSING_PROVIDED==0) print ", see some suggestions for AMUSING things to do"; " or QUIT?"; 6: "[Your interpreter does not provide ~undo~. Sorry!]"; 7: "~Undo~ failed. [Not all interpreters provide it.]"; 8: "Please give one of the answers above."; 9: "^It is now pitch dark in here!"; 10: "I beg your pardon?"; 11: "[You can't ~undo~ what hasn't been done!]"; 12: "[Can't ~undo~ twice in succession. Sorry!]"; 13: "[Previous turn undone.]"; 14: "Sorry, that can't be corrected."; 15: "Think nothing of it."; 16: "~Oops~ can only correct a single word."; 17: "It is pitch dark, and you can't see a thing."; 18: print "yourself"; 19: "As good-looking as ever."; 20: "To repeat a command like ~frog, jump~, just say ~again~, not ~frog, again~."; 21: "You can hardly repeat that."; 22: "You can't begin with a comma."; 23: "You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can't see whom."; 24: "You can't talk to ", (the) x1, "."; 25: "To talk to someone, try ~someone, hello~ or some such."; 26: "(first taking ", (the) not_holding, ")"; 27: "I didn't understand that sentence."; 28: print "I only understood you as far as wanting to "; 29: "I didn't understand that number."; 30: if (booth has general) {"You can't see any such thing.";} else {give booth general; "You can't see any such thing.^^ The management regrets to inform you that the ending normally scheduled here:^^ *** Oh my god you've gone blind ***^^ was deemed too much trouble and expunged at the author's expense. We apologize for the inconvenience and hope this does not detract in any way from your enjoyment of this fine product. If you have any questions or comments regarding this product, please call our toll-free Consumer Response Hotline at 1-877-PANTS-4-U. Thank you, and have a nice day. This has been a recording.";} 31: "You seem to have said too little!"; 32: "You aren't holding that!"; 33: "You can't use multiple objects with that verb."; 34: "You can only use multiple objects once on a line."; 35: "I'm not sure what ~", (address) pronoun_word, "~ refers to."; 36: "You excepted something not included anyway!"; 37: "You can only do that to something animate."; 38: #ifdef DIALECT_US; "That's not a verb I recognize."; #ifnot; "That's not a verb I recognise."; #endif; 39: "That's not something you need to refer to in the course of this game."; 40: "You can't see ~", (address) pronoun_word, "~ (", (the) pronoun_obj, ") at the moment."; 41: "I didn't understand the way that finished."; 42: if (x1==0) print "None"; else print "Only ", (number) x1; print " of those "; if (x1==1) print "is"; else print "are"; " available."; 43: "Nothing to do!"; 44: "There are none at all available!"; 45: print "Who do you mean, "; 46: print "Which do you mean, "; 47: "Sorry, you can only have one item here. Which exactly?"; 48: print "Whom do you want"; if (actor~=player) print " ", (the) actor; print " to "; PrintCommand(); print "?^"; 49: print "What do you want"; if (actor~=player) print " ", (the) actor; print " to "; PrintCommand(); print "?^"; 50: print "Your score has just gone "; if (x1 > 0) print "up"; else { x1 = -x1; print "down"; } print " by ", (number) x1, " point"; if (x1 > 1) print "s"; 51: "(Since something dramatic has happened, your list of commands has been cut short.)"; 52: "^Type a number from 1 to ", x1, ", 0 to redisplay or press ENTER."; 53: "^[Please press SPACE.]"; } Pray: "Nothing practical results from your prayer."; Touch: switch(n) { 1: "Keep your hands to yourself!"; 2: "You feel nothing unexpected."; 3: "If you think that'll help."; } Dig: "Digging would achieve nothing here."; Cut: "Cutting ", (thatorthose) x1, " up would achieve little."; Drink: "There's nothing suitable to drink here."; Fill: "But there's no water here to carry."; Swing: "There's nothing sensible to swing here."; Pull, Push, Turn: switch(n) { 1: if (x1 has pluralname) print "Those are "; else print "It is "; "fixed in place."; 2: "You are unable to."; 3: "Nothing obvious happens."; 4: "That would be less than courteous."; } PushDir: switch(n) { 1: "Is that the best you can think of?"; 2: "That's not a direction."; 3: "Not that way you can't."; } ThrowAt: switch(n) { 1: "Futile."; 2: "You lack the nerve when it comes to the crucial moment."; } Tell: switch(n) { 1: "You talk to yourself a while."; 2: "This provokes no reaction."; } Answer: deadflag = 127; "You answer and answer and answer, but do you ever ask?"; Ask: deadflag = 127; "You ask and ask and ask, but do you ever answer?"; Buy: "Nothing is on sale."; Sing: "Your singing is abominable."; Climb: "I don't think much is to be achieved by that."; Wait: "Time passes."; Sleep: "You aren't feeling especially drowsy."; Consult: "You discover nothing of interest in ", (the) x1, "."; ]; [ Pause i; @read_char 1 i; ]; [ PronounsSub; deadflag = 93; "At the moment, ~it~ means the phone booth and there is nothing else around \ here worth looking at or referring to, so ~he,~ ~she,~ and ~they~ also mean the \ phone booth. Also ~we,~ if you're feeling particularly chummy with it."; ]; [ VerifySub; deadflag = 95; print "What, you don't trust me? You think there's something wrong here? You think \ this file might be-- might be CORRUPT??^^"; style underline; print "After staring angrily into your eyes for a few moments, the parser breaks down into \ tears. Through the sobbing, you make out some words about 'trauma' and 'tokenization,' \ as well as 'parodic pastiche... nothing wrong with that...'^^"; style roman; ]; [ QuitSub; if (deadflag == 0) { deadflag = 96; "Surveying your options, you come to the only conclusion possible: the job you've been hired to \ do, making something 'hip' and 'cool' out of this sleepy backwater, is just too much work. This \ place is NEVER going to be a suitable backdrop for the Coke commercial you have in mind.^^But \ before you leave you do spraypaint ~COKE IS IT!~ on the phone booth a few dozen times."; } L__M(##Quit,2); if (YesOrNo()~=0) quit; ]; [ NotifyOnSub; deadflag = 91; "Score notification on, so the Management can now tell you that it is in fact \ impossible to score any points in this game. Nark Nark.";]; [ NotifyOffSub; deadflag = 92; "Okay, life no longer works that way."; ]; [ Places1Sub; deadflag = 89; "You have visited: The Town Square, Just Left of Center of the Town Square, In The Shadow of the \ Phone Booth, Somewhere Close to the Doorway of the Phone Booth, Inside the Phone Booth, On Top of \ the Phone Booth, Climbing the Phone Booth, Most of the Way to the Summit of the Phone Booth But Rapidly \ Falling, Lying Down in the Grass Just Northeast of the Phone Booth, \ and Next to the Tobacconist's Indian."; ]; [ Objects1Sub; deadflag = 90; "Objects you have handled:^^The phone booth door^The telephone receiver^The Yellow Pages^The cord \ connecting the Yellow Pages to the booth (being worn)^The clippers strong enough to cut the cord connecting the \ Yellow Pages to the booth^The page of the Yellow Pages containing the phone number of Xander Throckmorton^\ The page of the Yellow Pages containing your phone number (given away)^A featureless mahogany rod^\ Two identical bottles of Dom Perignon^An oily red pod (inside the bottle of Dom Perignon)^\ A thing your aunt gave you that you're too timid to ask what it is^\ Grue Repellent Spray in New Spring Scent^No tea^A wheel of Stilton (lost) [HA]^A kite shaped like an \ African Grey Parrot (being flown)^The Professor and Mary Ann"; ]; [ SpecialUndoSub; undone = 1; print "The last hour scrolls backwards rapidly-- the speeding ticket, the unfortunate incident with the \ roadkill and the barbecue-- and you're at the beginning of your last turn again, about to get into \ the car, keys in hand, with the clouds roaring across the sky.^^>"; style bold; Pause(); print "d"; Pause(); print "r"; Pause(); print "i"; Pause(); print "v"; Pause(); print "e"; style roman; Pause(); print "^You slide elegantly into the leather seat of your Porsche and put your foot to the pedal. The road \ spins away beneath you, until a few moments later you are distracted from your driving excitement by \ the flashing of red lights in the rearview mirror. Mortified, you pull over, and with a sense of \ deja vu give the police officer your license and registration, and wearily accept his speeding ticket. \ ($150??? You could've SWORN it was less last time.)^^And your growing sense of roiling nausea only "; "becomes worse when, back on the road again, you run smack into a beaver (it was a squirrel last time, \ really, wasn't it?)^^But it's the sight of BillyBob emerging from the roadside undergrowth with a \ hunting rifle and a fondue fork that makes you realize... fate can never be escaped. And so you shut your \ heart and mind until you arrive safely back at the town square. Just don't think about the rest. And \ whatever you do, DON'T UNDO AGAIN."; ]; [ SaveSub; deadflag = 87; "(your soul)^(first taking your soul)^^Taken -- oops."; ]; [ RestoreSub; deadflag = 86; "Well, look, see, that's a bit problematic. In order to restore a game, you would first have \ had to save one. And the Management happens to know that you didn't do that. (The Management \ casts a weary eye over your files and directories, then looks back at you, little glasses VERY far \ down Management's austere nose.) You wouldn't be trying to restore SOMEONE ELSE's saved game, would \ you? We thought not."; ]; [ ScoreSub; if (deadflag ~= 0) rfalse; deadflag = 49; "You cast your mind over what you've done recently. Hmm... \ You've... er... stood here... and looked around for a while... and \ then you've... ummmm...^^No. You've not done anything recently; not \ today, not yesterday, not even the day before that. There's nothing in the \ trophy case back home. You have no lantern, no sword, no moby ruby, no \ pacsilmy..."; ]; [ FullScoreSub; if (deadflag ~= 0) rfalse; deadflag = 84; "Well. So you were born, got your first grape lollipop at age four, got corduroy pants shortly thereafter,\ made it through your early education with a minimum of beatings from Eddie Hamm (learning to run away really fast at recess helped), asked Suzie Sprockington to the prom, turned that into an extensive but ultimately frustrating relationship which broke up over your refusal to move to Uruguay to prove your love for her, went through a series of jobs as golf caddy, sushi roller, web designer (of course), and travelling sock salesman before ending up, er, here."; ]; [ LMode1Sub; deadflag = 81; "Thereisaphoneboothhereplussomeotherstuffwhichisnotimportantnevermind."; ]; [ LMode2Sub; deadflag = 82; "There is a phone booth here, in the middle of the pretty town square of this quaint New England town, in the middle of Massachusetts, in the north-east corner of the United States, on the North American continent (not to be confused with the Middle America continent), on the planet known to its inhabitants at this time as ~Earth~, in a spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy, which is part of a larger universe, which was created when all the matter in the universe existed as a single point of near-infinite mass which then decided to explode for no good reason resulting in the Milky Way galaxy, resulting in the Earth, resulting in North America, resulting in the United States, resulting in Massachusetts (it seemed like a good idea at the time), resulting in this quaint New England town, resulting in this town square, resulting in this phone booth, resulting in a phone call costing 50 cents now? Geezus, it's enough to make a guy switch to cellular."; ]; ! Verbose [ LMode3Sub; deadflag = 83; rtrue; ]; ! Superbrief Class Region has light; Region only_location "The Town Square" with description [; if (self hasnt general) { give self general; "You are standing in the middle of a pretty town square in the center of a nondescript New England town. Like most any other nondescript New England town, there's not much to see or do here, but maybe you'll find something amusing and enjoyable to do."; } deadflag = 53; "Even though you know full well what you will see, you turn to survey the surroundings. \ Pretty town square, yup... nondescript... nondescript town... In fact, everything that \ your eye lands on starts with N. Nasturtiums. Nifty narwhals. Nine Nairobian nephews. \ Needlessly nickel-plated napkin-dispensers. Nick, nastily suing for copyright violation!!!"; ], before [; examine: switch(noun) { u_obj: deadflag = 55; "You look up, your eyes bare against the pitiless brilliance of the sky. \ How seldom, in latter days, have you dared to look that way, since the hour that \ the Others first came with their ships and their explosions and their showers of \ intolerable light; knowing what you will see, and how close it will take you to \ madness.^^And still you look.^^The clouds shift, part, reveal. And there it \ is, the mothership, its gruesome tentacles even now groping towards the earth..."; d_obj: deadflag = 56; "You bend your eyes upon the fertile earth and turn your thoughts to that \ which lies beneath it; and there comes, together with an acknowledgement of your \ own mortality, a new ambition.^^Farming."; n_obj: deadflag = 57; "You squint towards the north. See nothing but buildings huddled together \ and a narrow alley between the two of them... and... wait, someone coming \ down that alley in your direction. Someone angry, and bearing a gun..."; ne_obj: deadflag = 58; "Northeast. It's a direction that has always uniquely appealed to you... something \ about it suggests both coldness and sophistication, like mint and good chocolate, \ or maybe a dash of some highly priced liqueur.^^No one else ever seems to perceive \ these qualities, but you, with your perfect sense of direction that fails not \ even under the most troublous conditions, you who can taste the difference between \ NNE and ENN, you to whom OverNorth is *not* a joke... for you all the directions \ have significance, and flavor, and depth."; nw_obj: deadflag = 59; "You glance to the northwest-- in HER direction.^^You've done such a good job, \ up until now, of not thinking of her, not even noticing her, and yet somehow your \ eye is drawn in her direction and none other.^^She casts you a coy glance in \ return, but says nothing. And that's when the thought occurs to you. She's \ carrying a cellphone. All you have to do is step into the booth and give her \ a call."; w_obj: deadflag = 60; "You turn and squint your eyes against the setting sun, watching the way the \ long rays of light embrace the phone booth, sparkle from its surfaces, and \ glimmer against the storefronts hereabouts. Perfect, you think, clicking the \ shutter of your camera. It was up to you to find settings of natural beauty like \ this, you think, when the town council approached you about an advertising \ brochure, and you've done it."; e_obj: deadflag = 61; "East. Back over your shoulder, as it happens. Something has been following \ you all day, ever since you left the shore, and it's still there now, lurking.^^\ A Being of Water and Darkness."; se_obj: deadflag = 62; print "Glancing to the southeast, you notice another phone booth. Odd. As far as you can tell, it's identical to the original two booths, which -- " ; style underline ; print "two? " ; style roman ; "Wait. You distinctly recall there not being four phone booths here, which is how many you can now see, unless you count the phone booth hiding behind those two other phone booths to the west. Odd, odd. You begin to sweat. You empty your pockets, scattering phone booths onto the ground. Against the phone booths underfoot they make clattery phone booth sounds. Phone booths. Phone booths. You open your eyes. You are inside a phone booth. You open the booth. The booth is -- the booth the booth the booth is inside -- is inside --" ; sw_obj: deadflag = 63; "The moon glides slowly and lovingly in that direction. The moonlight impinging on your eyes is reflected and refracted and reveals the booth to be in sheer point of fact a frog, which you kiss. A moon frog."; s_obj: deadflag = 64; print "Immediately to the south of the Town Square is the local tobacconist. Open \ doors lead in past the painted wooden Indian, into the shadowy receptive depths \ of the shop itself. Alluringly exhibited in the window is everything from \ Blackjack licorice chewing gum to the finest Cuban cigars... not to mention \ newspapers brought in from Florence and Kathmandu, twelve brands of salt-water \ taffy, imported Belgian chocolates in the shape of Easter rabbits, a veritable \ plethora of plastic lighthouse pencil sharpeners, instant just-add-water crab cakes, \ sea monkey farms complete with two sets of replacement sea monkeys in case anything "; print "happens to go wrong, and one used autographed Duran Duran poster. But none of these \ things are implemented, nor will you be able to look at them more closely from here, \ let alone go into the shop and mess around with them. For you sense instinctively \ that they have been included (with decreasing plausibility) solely for the sake \ of providing enough words in response to a single trivial action. [169 words]^^\ So... next to the tobacco shop is a quaint little bookstore in whose windows \ you detect works by Dickens, Flaubert, Lewis, Stevenson, Melville, and John LeCarre, "; print "bound variously in covers of pigskin, cowskin, monkeyskin, and finest suede, \ in states of repair ranging from mint condition to the hopelessly dilapidated \ rescue-es of a housefire in the home of a family of twelve screaming toddlers all \ of whom ran around unsupervised all day with chocolate popsicles and a full set \ of ninety-six (96) Crayola Magic Fun Markers (TM). [259 words, counting the word \ count from last time.]^^Above this pair of quaint New Englandy shops there is a "; "second story, which you automatically recognize have been converted into apartments. \ In the upper left apartment (which is to say, that above the tobacconist), you can \ see by the sign by the mailboxes there lives a young Swede named Sven. Sven \ seems to be a tidy fellow -- at least compared to his next door neighbor, out of whose \ open windows there billows a washing line from which depend several dozen pairs \ of silky underwear. [Here the narrator breathes a sigh of Great Relief, since \ we are over 300. Enough about the underwear, then...]"; } Swim: deadflag = 71; "Recklessly you plunge yourself into the depths of the reflecting \ pool beside the booth, congratulating yourself on noticing it amongst all the nondescript \ (and so undescribed) scenery.^^From underneath, of course, the world looks very different; \ the booth, formerly so normal, appears through the surface of the silver water like a \ dark monolith, significant of civilization and encroachment, the outside and human \ world intruding upon a domain of innocent villagers and gold-scaled carp."; DigTwo : print "Your dream holiday to China seems closer than ever, as you look down that first small hole and dream of the tunnel to come. It's months, nay, years of back breaking labor, but eventually you succeed in your lifelong dream of starving to death in a futile manner.^"; deadflag = 1; rtrue; VagueGo: deadflag = 54; "Discarding your trusty compass at the side of the road, you \ set out in an unspecified direction.^^Nine months later, deep in the Gobi, you \ stumble upon spiritual enlightenment. Sadly, you are too pregnant with the \ phone booth's child (don't ask) to accomplish anything with this newfound \ knowledge. But look on the bright side: when the labor is over, you'll \ be able to call someone to get you out of this damned place."; think: deadflag = 117; "Already your brane has begun the grinding of gears."; Strong : deadflag = 44; "Real adventurers use such language all the time. But do you think \ that you-- YOU-- really belong in their company? I mean, what have you \ gotten done here? Anything? Have you checked your inventory lately? \ Or looked at your score? ZERO."; Inv: deadflag = 50; "You are carrying:^^ Pants (being worn)^^In fact... you take a closer look at \ the tag of those pants, which sticks prominently out of the side with a \ DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG notice attached. But what does the small print say?^^\ ~Akmi Esploding Pantz.~ Shit. SHIT--"; Mild: deadflag = 45; "You murmur a few naughty, faintly British swearwords, \ wondering whether anyone in this town would understand. But then again... has \ anyone REALLY understood you in your life??"; Yes: deadflag = 46; "You send in your vote of affirmation... but it doesn't get counted."; No: deadflag = 47; "You seem very negative."; Sorry: deadflag = 48; "You whip out a board and a few tokens and play a quick game of \ solitaire Sorry. The experience is so rewarding that a few days later \ you whip up a version for your pet robot Floyd to play."; sing: deadflag = 41; "You take a deep breath and give freedom to the music within \ you. People are always saying they don't like the sound of it, but YOU \ know how great it is-- and it's clear the booth feels it too, the way it \ warbles back and forth responsively, resonating to your every note, the \ telephone within reechoing the chime and providing the scintillating \ backbeat of a busy signal, until that final crescendo when all the glass \ blows out of the doors."; Dance: deadflag = 119; "You look down: crossed swords, soft shoes. The sweet skirling music of the highlands reaches your ears from some unknown source. Almost you can hear the booth say: DANCE FOR ME, MY CALEDONIAN BEAUTY. DANCE! DANCE!^^You dance. Afterwards you pick up a sword and think murderous thoughts."; listen: if (noun == 0) { deadflag = 32; "You close your eyes and listen to the sounds of the \ town square. The beautiful noise of nothing happening. The mellifluous \ music of total silence. There's nothing like this back home in \ your apartment next door to the fire station back in Manhattan..."; } smell: if (noun == 0) { deadflag = 33; "You inhale deeply, smelling for the background \ scent of this particular location. It smells like broth... no, wait, \ is that tortillas?"; } wait : print "Again, you reach for the phone, but you cannot make the call. Instead, you go home to wait. The years go by, the front lines move back and forth, but thankfully your beloved's name never appears in the lists of the dead printed in the Boston Globe. One day, the war is won. Your intended, now a hero, returns to a welcome from the whole New England town.^^ Your first night together again, is, of course, spectacular... Tenderly you embrace your lover, pressing yourself against his firm, yet yielding, manful chest.^^ He gazes deeply into your liquid eyes, as you feel the desire grip you like a torrent of molten lava surging through your veins.^^ ~Darling,~ he breathes, huskily...^^ ~Darling,~ he continues, ~you know my love for you knows no bounds.~^^ As he says these words, your heart begins to race.^^ ~Darling,~ he repeats, ~therefore, you will, I am sure, share with me the joy in my soul as I tell you...~^^ Your emotions surge as you anticipate the words: ~I intend to make you my wife.~^^ But instead he says, ~I have discovered I am gay. Isn't it wonderful, daaahling?~"; deadflag = 13; rtrue; pray : print "A passerby notices your prayer, and is moved. She joins you, and within minutes a small crowd has developed. This is the beginning. A month later, you are on tv taking your prayer to the nation. A Senate bid follows, and before you realise, the whole country is moving, with you, ever rightward. Then, one day, Jesus arrives. He takes you to heaven and you live happily ever after.^"; deadflag = 2; rtrue; jump : print "Yay.^"; deadflag = 18; rtrue; sleep : print "Looks like a cold night coming. Your best bet seems to be the phone booth. Huddled inside, you catch some winks as best you can before the cops move you on. The half bottle of cooking sherry you stole seems to help. Next day, the struggle begins again.^"; deadflag = 19; rtrue; wake : print "Yay it was all a dream everything is ok phew that was lucky.^"; deadflag = 2; rtrue; waveHands : if (noun == 0) { deadflag = 31; "You turn towards the fourth wall and wave brightly at the audience, \ yourself."; } xyzzy : print "A husky voice intones, ~I knew you'd try typing this, and I must say I'm getting mighty tired of being summoned up willy nilly to fulfill some sort of neurotic desire to fill a game with as many lame injokes as possible. So begone. (By the way, please try the following verbs on subsequent playings: waylay, cook, xyzzy, attack)^"; deadflag = 25; rtrue; Exit : deadflag = 150; "You go out as you came in. Curled in a small ball and bawling your lungs out."; ], s_to [; print "You briefly catch sight of movement overhead- there they are! Your flock has come to fetch you at last! Flapping your wings mightily, the first moments of flight are, as ever, a shock, but soon you glide smoothly into place with the rest of your friends, and begin the long haul to Florida to enjoy the winter.^"; deadflag = 3; rtrue;], n_to [; print "You always thought this seemed an odd place to meet before an expedition, but, as ever, Captain Oates arrives on time to do his duty. The slog from the phone booth to the Pole proves arduous. So arduous, in fact, that you never actually make it. Odd though it seems, after Oates steps out and gives his life for you, you still manage to be eaten by the dogs, who make their escape back to the booth to call huskily for help.^"; deadflag = 1; rtrue;], e_to [; print "Uh-uh, no way. You can't possibly go all the way to the other side of Central Park to meet your girlfriend. It's a whole different world over there. The subway line is a different color on the map! A DIFFERENT COLOR! GREEN! She can come over to this side and meet you, or you guys can just forget the whole thing.^"; deadflag = 4; rtrue;], w_to [; print "Uh-uh, no way. You can't possibly go all the way to the other side of Central Park to meet your boyfriend. It's a whole different world over there. The subway line is a different color on the map! A DIFFERENT COLOR! BLUE! He can come over to this side and meet you, or you guys can just forget the whole thing.^"; deadflag = 4; rtrue;], d_to [; print "You hadn't noticed the flight of stairs at your feet until you started to descend it. At the foot of the stairs is your friend Fortunato. As you greet him, you recall the purpose for which you dug this cellar. Offering him a sample of the delights of a vintage amontillado, you lure him into your trap, eventually bricking him into a lonely grave.^"; deadflag = 5; rtrue;], u_to [; print "Whirling into and out of the phone booth, you emerge, underoos on the outside, ready to fight the evil Lex Luthor for control of Metropolis. Quick, his Magic Missile of Mayhem is headed this way! Up, up and away!^"; deadflag = 6; rtrue;], nw_to [; print "Good idea, apparently they like coffee in Seattle. You arrive, settle in for a while, and start to visit coffee shops. You note the comfortable chairs. You see how people seem to like paying inflated prices for a cup of water, heat treated milk, and assorted alkaloids. You synthesise, in your mind, the ideal average behavior of a perfect barista. There only remains a name and you will surely be rich. Wait, is that Battlestar Galactica showing on cable?^"; deadflag = 7; rtrue;], ne_to [; print "This may not have occurred to you, but you are already in New England. How much further north-east do you need? Maine? Newfoundland? Ok, the lobster's good, I guess, but man, you expect I coded up locations that far away? No chance. You go northeast. You find another town just the same. The same stuff happens. Happy? Good.^"; deadflag = 12; rtrue;], se_to [; print "I-95 to I-295 to I-64 to VA-168 to NC-158 to NC-12 and there you are! Ready for a week at the beach with sun, surf, simians and a surplus of sand. Out of the van, and into the wackiness.^"; deadflag = 14; rtrue;], sw_to [; print "Bored, eh? Ok, you head southwest, where your house is, and have a quiet evening sitting by the fire.^"; deadflag = 17; rtrue;], in_to [; print "Luckily, it seems 99 directed you to the right phone booth. You dial the code, and the floor rapidly drops. You alight the secret elevator in Control Headquarters Secret Tunnel Number 17.^^Your shoe phone rings.^^First, you answer the wrong shoe.^^Then, you get the right one.^^~Max, this is the Chief.~^^~Chief, don't tell me KAOS has infiltrated Control Headquarters and even now the deadly master of disguise known only as Sebastian has replaced an unknown agent, who could be anyne, even Fang?~^^~Max, KAOS has infiltrated..~^^~~Chief, I "; style underline; print "asked"; style roman; print " you not to tell me that.~^^ ~Just come to my office, 86.~^^~Wait a moment, Chief.~^^(pause) ~What?~^^~How do I know it's really you?~^^(longer pause) ~Just get here now, Max.~^^~But, Chief...~ ^^~YES?~^^~We shouldn't be talking about this on the shoe phone.~^^~MAX!~^^~Oh, and one last thing.~^^~What NOW?~^^~The Control manual clearly states such an emergency should only be discussed under the Cone of Silence.~^^(click)^^Anyway, to cut a long story short, it turns out Sebastian is disguised as Hymie. KAOS' evil plot is foiled when he fails to shoot a light bulb after being told to ~kill the light.~^"; deadflag = 148; rtrue;], out_to [; deadflag = 78; "You think of calling him. You pick up the receiver, and start dialling. But today, like every day, you call your wife instead.^^For years you keep living the lie. Two kids, a suburban house, and apple pie.^^And the long hours of gut-wrenching angst.^^ But you're thinking of him.^^And it all stays hidden deep inside, until, one night, in the throes of passion, you cry out..."; ] ; Object pants "pants" with name "pants" "pair" "of" "exploding" "pants", description [; deadflag = 50; "You take a closer look at \ the tag of those pants, which sticks prominently out of the side with a \ DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG notice attached. But what does the small print say?^^\ ~Akmi Esploding Pantz.~ Shit. SHIT--"; ], before [; Disrobe: deadflag=139; "Aha, good plan! Remove the exploding pants before they have a chance to explode! Quickly, you doff the volatile garments. Egad, you have only seconds left to get rid of them, so you open the phone booth and fling them inside. Unfortunately, the phone booth is made of cheap glass and for some reason contains a bag of loose nails. No wait, it's not the phone booth that contains cheap glass and nails, it's your perforated body. Ouch. ^^ Not only that, but the worst part is that when they find your body in the morning, YOU AREN'T WEARING ANY PANTS!"; Open: deadflag=155; "You take a deep breath and tenatively unzip the fly of your pants. Suddenly a multitude of balloons flies out from the small cloth opening, accompanied by a marching band, five clowns, jugglers, fire-breathers, a bartender with a portable wet bar, two turntables and a microphone, one complete pinata, seven Mardi Gras floats (this year's theme: Great Moments In Linotype) and quite a wide variety of assorted merrymakers and funseekers.^^ Figures. As usual, there was a party in your pants and you weren't invited."; Give: deadflag = 200; print "Slyly removing your trousers, you hand them over to the booth and hope nobody notices. The booth puts them on, checks them out, and then says, ~Great! Thank you so much! Now I'll be able to get into that ultra-swank restaurant over there and hobnob with all the cool celebrities!~^^And with that, it hops across the road into the restaurant, nearly knocking over the sign reading ~NO PANTS - NO SERVICE~. Sigh. Had you but known...^^ Consternation turns to jubilation, however, when young glance across the other street and notice the sign underneath the "; style underline; print "Adventurer's L*"; ", which reads ~NO PANTS? NO PROBLEM!~ And you're halfway through the door when the sickening realization hits you --^^You left your corknuts in your pocket."; Defuse: deadflag=140; "Well, aren't you sneaky? Perhaps you're using foreknowledge to know that you need to deactivate the pants so that they don't esplode and kill you. Unfortunately, in order to gain this foreknowledge, you utilized one of those cheap $70 time machines, which of course are terribly unreliable. As you might expect (well, anyone except you, because obviously you didn't expect it), a horrific fabric-of-history rending paradox erupts, setting off a chain reaction that results in four things:^^ 1) William McKinley lived through his presidential term.^ 2) Hitler slipped in the bathtub and knocked some sense into himself.^ 3) Cracker Jacks were invented, but contained no surprise toy.^ 4) Your parents married different people. Weirdly enough, you were born anyway, to your father and a different mother, but during a fishing trip in Minnesota in the big Winter of aught-eighty-eight, you fell through the ice and were nearly frozen to death. However, you were pulled out by a kindly gentleman claiming to be a direct descendent of Napoleon Bonaparte.^^ It may come as some surprise to you to note that none of the above actually erased your existence or caused your untimely death. However, in the time it took to explain all of this alternate history to you, the pants exploded anyway."; Wave: deadflag = 166; "A halfway-naughty thought occurs to you and you wave your pants salaciously at the phone booth. Upon completing the gruesome task, you hear a low rumbling noise. Is it the booth laughing at your impetuous spontaniety? No, actually, it's a giant wave coming in from the coast, completely obliterating you, the phone booth, the town, the Town Square, your pants, puppies, kittens, and anything else in its path."; Frotz: deadflag = 179; "Yeah, you only wish you could frotz your own pants."; WaveAt: deadflag = 167; "You look down and wave at your pants. ~Howdy, pants! How's it going?~^^ And, as usual, you get no reply. No sign of activity whatsoever. Better get used to it."; Nitfol: deadflag = 180; "What a marvelous idea! Who among us has not wished beyond hope to be able to one day converse with a pair of pants?^^^^^^^^^^ It was a rhetorical question, weirdo."; Filfre: deadflag = 187; "It might not have been such a wise idea to shoot fireworks from your pants, metaphors be damned. But it's too late for that now. At least you can take heart in the knowledge that you are definitely the first person in recorded history to run frantically around this Town Square while fireworks shot out of their pants."; Search: deadflag = 186; print "You find nothing of interest."; pause(); print "^^HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA oh, brother, that's a good one."; pause(); print "^^BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA it just keeps getting funnier and funnier every time I see it!"; pause(); print "^^HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA *choke* *wheeze* *gasp*"; style bold; print "^^ *** You saw that one coming a mile away *** "; style roman; print "^^^^Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game or QUIT?^> "; pause(); "^^I'M SORRY, I JUST CAN'T HELP IT! IT'S THE BEST JOKE EVER!!^BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!"; FillMe: deadflag = 194; "But who could ever fill the pants of such an incredible adventurer as you? Nobody, that's who! Best to stay in them and keep being the best you that you can be."; LoveMe: deadflag = 207; "Try as you may, you just cannot have a meaningful relationship with your pants."; default: deadflag = 151; "Pants? What pants?"; ], has worn ; Object booth "phone booth" only_location with name "phone" "booth" "telephone" "shiny" "metal", description [; print "Picking up your magnifying glass, you examine the phone booth more closely. Clearly a 1937 model, of the 4C series. Quite a find! You must jealously guard this treasure, lest another member of the Phone Booth Appreciation Society photograph it and publish his results first. As you rush back to get your camera, however, you see David Morgan-Mar sneaking into the square with his tripod at the ready. He must be stopped! In the ensuing fight, you end up accidentally photographing him standing in the booth. In the copy printed in the PBAS Journal, his pained grimace is mistaken for a smile, and he takes all the credit.^"; deadflag = 10; rtrue;], describe "^A shiny metal phone booth sits in the center of the square.", before [; Take : print "Did you really think this was going to work out any differently in this game? YOU DIE, OK? Sheesh.^"; deadflag = 1; rtrue; Search: deadflag = 68; "A careful examination of the inside of the booth reveals \ one telephone (containing a coin slot and a receiver); one telephone book (which \ can be read); and, near the bottom in the corner wadded up into a tight, angry \ ball of red, your cape and tights, right where you left them the other day when \ Lois suddenly appeared with that ice cream cone and you didn't have time to fit \ them on under your suit and you always have problems with that where the cape is \ concerned and your Mom should've really done a better design job... but this \ is all a matter for your therapist, and you've got the damn clothes back now, which \ is what matters, right?"; WakeOther: deadflag = 198; print "You reach out and tenatively shake a corner of the phone booth...^^"; style underline; print "Wake up...^^Phone booth, wake up...^^"; style roman; "And then did little Phone Booth wake up and see that she was safe and sound in her own bed, with Ma Bell looking over her, concern turning to elation at the sight of her daughter's eyes.^^ ~Oh, Ma Bell, I just had the most wonderful adventure! I was in the middle of a pretty town square in the center of a nondescript New England town -- and Uncle Player was there, and Telephone Repairman Pants, you were there too --~^^ ~Now, now,~ said Ma Bell, stroking Phone Booth's metallic top, ~calm yourself down there. You've been through a lot and had a bad dream.~^^ ~Oh, but it wasn't a dream, it was real! And it wasn't bad, it was wonderful. But I learned that no matter how far I may roam, there's no service like 1-800-COLLECT for calling home.~^^ At that, Mr. T burst through the open window by Phone Booth's bed, snarling ~That's right, sucka! I pity the fool who don't save a buck or two!~ and everybody laughed."; Cook: deadflag = 65; "You pull out the recipe and check to make sure you have all the ingredients before you get started. Pumpkin? Check. Q-tips? Check. Carrot? Check. All set, I think, and so -- wait! What about the MYSTERY INGREDIENT? You glance up just as the safe falls from the sky onto the booth and you, squashing both flat."; BootOther: deadflag = 210; print "Fair enough, let's boot up this baby...^^"; style bold; print "BOOTH OS 2.3^COPYRIGHT 1998-2001 LOUNGENT TECHNOLOGIES^LOADING...^ Non-system disk or disk error - Press a key^^"; style roman; Pause(); print "Oops - someone left a unformatted quarter in the return slot. Let's try again.^^"; style bold; print "LOADING...^Welcome to BoothOS!^Please wait while connecting to the Internet...^^"; style roman; Pause(); print "Huh? Well, I guess it makes sense, since phone booths generally have phone connections... But wait, oh my God! It means that...^^"; style bold; print "Microsoft Corporation has detected a non-conforming internet connection. Please wait while we remedy the situation.^^"; style roman; print "This means that an army of lawyers is on its way here! Since 2012, they've been nastier than ever. Better run away quickly!^"; rtrue; HelpOther: deadflag = 52; "You place one hand on either side of the booth and lean your head against \ it, first sensing its aura. The aura of ennui is strongest, surrounding the \ entirety of the metal box with a dull turquoise hue of despair. Then under that \ is the shady throbbing brown aura -- the aura of feeling used for many years without \ any kind of respect or gratitude... (Sure, people put in quarters, but only because \ they have to. They don't mean to, don't mean anything BY it...)^^Your head begins \ to ache. There's too much, too much pain, too much sorrow, too many years of \ exhaustion and grief... the burden of other people's secret phone conversations, \ held locked within the metal constraints...^^There's nothing you can do. It's too \ much. The only thing that remains is to have the booth put down. "; Touch: deadflag = 120; print "The booth tenses as you lay your hands tenderly on its hinges. It resists, it resists, as you begin to knead slowly, then... it "; style underline ; print "melts" ; style roman ; print " beneath your tender ministrations. You can almost see the stress lifting and dispersing as you glide your hands lovingly over the panes of frosted glass which conceal the keypad, the coin slot, the " ; style underline ; print "handset" ; style roman ; "...^^The phone rings. Huskily."; Listen: deadflag = 29; "Eagerly you press your ear against the side of the \ booth, eavesdropping on the conversation within.^^Unfortunately Harvey \ the Invisible Rabbit doesn't seem to have much to say. Dejected, you \ give up and go back to what you were doing before. Which is to say, \ nothing."; Smell: print "You lean close and inhale. Man, you haven't had an experience \ like this since you gave up your job as a telephone sanitizer..."; deadflag = 30; rtrue; Bite: deadflag = 43; "You growl deeply, open your jaw wide, and take a monstrous \ bite out of the surface of the booth.^^A tinny voice on the other end \ of the line squawks a belated warning. But it's too late; you have your \ way..."; Push : print "You may recall, in the original game, this action won the game. I guess that's why you tried it. Well, full points for good memory.^"; deadflag = 2; rtrue; Pull : print "Yeah, it seems like a dumb thing to do. But so was entering the World's Strongest Man competition in the first place. With a bellowing, gut-wrenching heave you tear the booth from its moorings and fling it backwards over your head. Amazingly, considering how you practiced for this traditional event, the booth flies off course, smashing into Sven, the powerfully built Swede who is in second place before this event. In time, he will recover, for his tragic end is yet to come, but for now, the guilt is more than you can stand. The judges aren't best pleased either.^"; deadflag = 8; rtrue; Enter : print "There are 56 fellow MIT students in there already, but one more and you get the WORLD RECORD. You somehow squeeze between Misty and Muffy, and end up sandwiched beside Mindy. Then the creaking begins. Then the cracking. Then the exploding. Fifty-seven MIT students end up scattered across the town square, many crippled for life, but every single one ends up in the Guinness Book of Records.^"; deadflag = 9; rtrue; Attack : print "Sometimes even a quick game of US Men's Olympic Hockey Team Challenge just isn't enough. Take that, you.. you... booth! The pawn of corporate greed before you crumbles beneath your might. Glass smashes, metal bends, and you barely even notice as the sirens in the background draw nearer. Your escape didn't last very long, but hey. When the nice men in the whote coats give you your needle, everything seems ok again.^"; deadflag = 11; rtrue; DanceWith: deadflag = 118 ; "Suddenly, belatedly, you realise that as a dancing partner a phone booth is less than perfect. But the show must go on. Behind the gleaming lights and twinkling cameras, the director frowns and tweaks his moustache suspiciously. The crew holds its collective breath. And -- ^^ [The band strikes up a tune] ^^ PC: [sings] There may be trouble ahead... ^^ [PC pirouettes around booth] ^^ PC: But while there's moonlight, and music, and love and romance... ^^ [Booth coyly refuses to meet PC's gaze] ^^ PC: Let's face the music, and -- ^^ [Booth misses cue] ^^ DIRECTOR: Cut! ^^You turn pleadingly to the director, but he's already talking to the next couple. You look at the phone booth. Again it refuses to meet your gaze. It shows -- no remorse."; Burn : print "When coding this game, I had to ask myself, what kind of idiot would try to burn a metal phone booth? Well, a very stupid one indeed, I guess. As reward for such stupidity, God strikes you down where you stand with a swift bolt of lightning.^"; deadflag = 1; rtrue; Climb : print "Day 1: Five explorers, assisted by fifteen hired Sherpas, sight the summit in the distance and set forth.^^ Day 2: Hungry. Return to base for food. Climb begins again.^^ Day 5: The Sherpas seem to speak a language of their own, and share secrets apart from those of us whose language is the King's English. Mental note: Sherpas may have to be eaten if rations run low.^^ Day 6: Two events occurred today of note. First, we found that Sherpas not only understand English as spoken, but read very well also. Second, our ascent leader mysteriously fell from a cliff.^^ Day 15: Myself and Tenzing are the last two climbers remaining. One of us, at least, must reach the summit and claim it in the name of Great Britain. Ate Wotherspoon for lunch.^^ Day 27: The summit at last! We raised the flag and.. oh, wait, you're climbing the "; style underline; print "phone booth"; style roman; print "? My mistake. Yeah, you do that too. Whatever.^"; deadflag = 21; rtrue; Eat : print "Ah, yes, the gnocchi flowed freely that week in Venice! She looked at you pleadingly as she bled slowly on the checkered tablecloth, gasping, ~My love, do you forgive me?~ As you opened your mouth to answer her, a low plooping sound descended and all became black.^^Several weeks of hell in total darkness followed, culminating with your joining a bell choir and learning from a young boy how to cook Italian food with moss.^^ Elegance, Silence, Violence! You wind up sitting alone in a shopping cart somewhere, a lonely old man.^"; deadflag = 22; rtrue; Waylay : print "You duck behind a heretofore unnoticed 1996 Volkswagen Jetta. Peeking around the curved bumper, you spy the phone booth, innocently whistling a merry tune, flipping a coin absentmindedly. You charge up your +4 Blaster of Kick Fucking Ass and inhale sharply.^^The Jetta's engine roars to life! Startled, you fail to notice the white glow of the back-up lights as it shifts into reverse. As the bumper makes contact with your left shoulder, your 15 years of Terran Galactic Defense Force training begin to kick in...^^"; style underline; print "~That's it, you maggots!~ shouts the DrillInstructorBot huskily, ~You screw up this maneuver one more time and it's permenant KP for each one of you!~^^The ion whip sears your back as you and your fellow cadets are subjected to yet another round of Jetta-Dodging Training. Vicious spiked Volkswagens accelerate toward you again and again as you repeat your somersaulting drills.^^~You there! Number Eleven!~ booms the DrillInstructorBot, focusing its periscope on you, ~Too slow! You'll never survive a reall Jetta attack! It's Kitten Pulverisation for you!~^^~Fluffy! Noooooooo!~ you choke brokenly. The kitten squisher powers up...^^"; style roman; print "It's too late. Fluffy died for nothing. The VW was in league with the booth all along.^^"; style bold; print " *** You are a disgrace to the Jews *** "; style roman; deadflag = 23; rtrue; Open : print "Oy! Lady! With the opening and the hinges and the whoa-hoy! Please to the thing where the...nice lady! Open of the--to--oy!"; deadflag = 26; rtrue; Close: deadflag = 72; "The phone inside rings and rings. You hesitate, your hand hovering \ over the handle of the door. But then your purpose solidifies into certainty.^^\ Closing your ears, your mind, and your heart, you slam the door to and turn \ away. Let her call as long and as often as she likes, the bitch. You've \ danced enough attendance for one lifetime."; Kick : print "The booth's eyes widen as you draw your foot back. ~Terry, no, please, oh God you can't--~ Its cries are cut short as your foot slams into it. With the sound of eggshells cracking, the booth fragments into countless pieces which are quickly lost in the mud."; deadflag = 28; rtrue; Shake: deadflag = 38; "That's the way you always like your booths. Shaken, not stirred."; Taste: deadflag = 39; "You lean forward and give the booth a long, thoughtful \ lick. Hmm. It tastes like it came from the south side of the telephoneyard... \ a hint of peppermint chewing gum over here, with a subtle nuance of \ grimy fingers and an aftertaste of cherries."; Lock: deadflag = 69; "You whip out your handy padlock and lock the booth. Then you \ run a batch of police tape around it just in case. You wouldn't want anyone getting \ in there before your men have a chance to do tests. With a crime like this... the \ horror would be shocking to anyone who came across it...^^You look up, look around, \ and sigh. It's such a PEACEFUL seeming town..."; Unlock: deadflag = 70; "You lose your patience with the lockpick and skeleton key and \ tear the booth open with the jaws of life you had in your pocket... revealing, when \ you do so, about 28 cubic feet of empty air, a phone booth, and one half-clothed \ superhero..."; LookUnder: deadflag = 74; "You bend and put your ear to the ground, scrutinizing the narrow crack between \ the phone booth and the ground. It's the sort of place that no one ever looks, and \ perhaps that explains why, until now, no one has found this Elvish sword of great \ antiquity, or this lantern, or this surprisingly fresh pepper sandwich, or even \ (and this is the really startling item) this untasted black-wax cheddar, approximately \ the size of your head."; JumpOver: deadflag = 76; "Ever since you lost the free jump championship to your \ archnemesis Michelle ~StrongThighs~ Wilson, you've needed to prove yourself \ at all kinds of untoward times and places. Like now.^^You do, of course, clear \ the booth, by several inches, drawing up your knees against your chest as \ you sail clear...^^Too bad you didn't check out what was on the other side, you \ think two tenths of a second before you impale yourself upon the iron pyramidal \ monument to the Civil War dead that lurked, undetected, on the booth's far side."; KissTwo : print "Toilet Plume: A spray of water droplets which rises up into the air each time you flush your toilet, which them spreads throughout the room and settles on every object in the room, including your toothbrush.^^Bearing this in mind, you decide not to kiss the phone booth.^"; deadflag = 79; rtrue; Explode: deadflag = 97; "A few well-placed shaped charges later and there's a gaping, smoldering hole \ at the center of the Town Square big enough to fit Central Park. The good \ citizens of the town have all run for the hills and there's a fine ash composed \ of plastic telephone bits and the disintegrating, flaming scraps of telephone-numbered \ pages... everywhere."; Esplode: deadflag = 99; "A few well-drawn shape charges later and the booth has been blown to colorful \ smithereens!!!^^A few of the town's 'toon citizens wander by with their faces blackened \ and their hair standing up in spikes.^^Turning to your package of Akmi Dynamite Produkt, \ you give it a big, loving Smooch. It's this fine stuff that has made you the Archvillain \ Esploder."; BlowOn: deadflag = 98; "Taking a deep breath, you perform your betatesting duty by blowing upon the telephone \ booth. Predictably, the air is repelled by the glass of the booth door and returns \ to brush gently against your own face, but it leaves a faint trace of simulated \ humidity on the glossy surface. If you had any moves left, in the next one you could \ draw a happy face in the clouding. But you don't."; Blow: deadflag = 103; "The Management neither knows nor wishes to know what exactly you \ intend by that command."; Clean: deadflag = 105; "Whipping out a can of Lemon Pledge, you polish every surface of the \ booth to a gleaming citrus hue. It glitters brilliantly in the morning sun, shining \ with a glimmering sheen of shimmering brightness, projecting a golden glare in all \ directions."; Rub: deadflag = 107; print "There's a roar like thunder and then a Genii appears at your side!!^^\ ~Greetings, master,~ he rumbles. ~I have come to grant your EVERY wish.~ [Wow, he \ sounds a lot like James Earl Jones. Your interpreter does not support the sound \ file that would provide evidence of this, but we rigged something up and it sounds \ really like we really did pay James Earl Jones, we swear.]^^You gape at the Genii, thoughts \ of wealth, power, and love flitting through your head. Where to start? The yacht, the "; "Parisian film star, the Swiss bank account...?^^~Just one little thing,~ he interrupts, \ in the voice of the guy who does the fine print in radio car ads: ~We are not able to \ grant wishes pertaining to personal finances, physical appearance, romantic or sexual \ desire, power literal or metaphorical, or the state of the stock market. All sales are \ final. Interest rates are tied to the current state of the --~^^~Just \ exactly what good ARE you?~ you demand, bewildered and furious.^^~Uh.~ The Genii looks \ embarrassed. ~I'm actually just here to tell you about 1-800-COLLECT.~"; Buy: deadflag = 108; "It's a little unorthodox to go around purchasing public telephone booths, but you really \ want it. To, you know, go with the red London mailbox you've got back home, and the \ vintage Star Wars arcade game, and..."; Cut: deadflag = 109; "You cut the booth with two parts lime juice and one part parking meter, and the \ result goes down smoother than a shot of vodka on a Russian night in January. You're still \ hiccupping quarters three days later but DAMN was it worth it."; Dig: deadflag = 111; "You get out your handy pocket trowel and begin separating the phone booth from its parent earth.^^Several hours later, it flops over on its side like a beached whale, the \ receiver gasping for air.^^Now don't you feel guilty?"; Squeeze: deadflag = 112; "You wrap your arms around the phone booth and squeeze it tightly. ~Don't ever leave me again!~ you cry, hugging it fiercely to your chest.^^The phone booth sighs lustily \ in return, its hinges settling. ~I'm not the roving type,~ it whispers sadly. ~You \ might have been happier if you had fallen for someone younger, more portable...~^^\ ~Never say that!~ you breathe intensely. ~If I had wanted a cell phone I could have \ had any of a thousand just for the asking, with no night and weekend charges!~^^~And \ yet--~^^~That's right. And yet I chose you.~ You nuzzle the booth gently with your \ nose. ~I love you, you large, bulky, public telephone booth you!!!~"; Wear: deadflag = 116; "Assuming the booth like the carapace of a large insect, you scuttle off and \ successfully rob several liquor stores before anyone catches on.^^Unfortunately \ your ploy of calling the cashier from INSIDE THE STORE tends to give you away and you are \ arrested on your third try. But hey, that means that two guys fell for ~PUT ALL YOUR \ MONEY INTO THE BOOTH.~"; Disrobe: deadflag = 1; "Aha, removing the phone booth which you are not even wearing. A clever ploy, a nonsensical move. Surely no one would ever expect that!^^ Nah, someone did. A poison dart hits you in the carotid artery, killing you instantly."; Turn: deadflag = 122; turns = turns + 9524; "90 degrees clockwise, and the booth snaps neatly into place. As expected, the tobacconist slides behind the coffee shop, revealing the hidden entrance you sought. Checking your grappling hook and bungee cord one more time, you begin the perilous journey to the caves beyond.^^Time passes.^^You return, months later, having mapped out the entire complex. Alas, since this is 1972, no-one has written any puzzles yet, so you haven't solved any, so your score remains zero."; HoldMe: deadflag = 160; "You reach down, hand outstretched, and the phone booth hops right up. Oh! How cute! It is like a little toy. You pet it with a finger, causing it immediate distress. Without warning it hops back out of your hand and into the pond and swims far far away. There is a suspicious puddle in the middle of your palm."; Answer: deadflag = 124; "As you pick up the ringing phone, you hear a gentle 'click.' The next thing you know, \ your component atoms are scattered across the square. Hate those new booth-bombs."; Ask: if (second == nothing) { deadflag = 125; "You begin to ask a question, a simple question, a basic question anyone could answer, but \ before you even open your mouth, the phone rings. You answer it, to hear a husky voice say, \ ~I know what you want. The answer is still no.~ Dejectedly, you walk away, to live a life \ of quiet despair."; } ! deadflag = 126; ! "You ask the phone, the font of all knowledge, the center of your existence, the supreme being \ ! in your life, about ", (the) second, ".^^It replies, ~You seek knowledge, and this is good. \ ! But knowledge cannot be given, only earned.~ The booth goes on to give you a quest, a glorious \ ! journey, a task that shall answer all questions, both those you ask and those you do not ask.\ ! ^^After many years of arduous journeying to remote mountains, long fasts, endless meditation, \ ! and general privation, you finally win through to enlightenment. Now you know all secrets, even the \ ! secret of ", (the) second, "."; Lagach: deadflag = 131; "You speak the word of ancient power upon the telephone booth; reality \ warps and wavers, and what happens is exactly what you expected to have happen-- you are \ transported to a scribe's hut on the side of a busy street in antique Egypt, with the \ damned procession making its way past you with striped cloaks and the beating of drums, \ and it's all you can do to keep your mind on the present and not get distracted with all \ that licentious Dionysian ritual..."; Caskly: deadflag = 146; "Deep from the earth, rumbling. Light spears from the sky, bathing \ the booth in eerie radiance. Peeling paint is repaired; dirt vanishes; windows sparkle, \ seemingly enhancing light passing through it. Then it is done...and it stretches before \ you and on and on. It is perfect."; Tie: deadflag = 133; "Given that the booth is entirely stationary -- what we in the business call ~static~ -- \ it takes quite a bit of work not to outpace it in a race. But with skill, dedication, and \ strong concentration you manage to cross the finish line at exACTly the same time -- also \ known as ~never.~"; Drink: deadflag = 136; "Only your twenty-day trek through the Sahara has enabled you to see the booth as a mirage \ of an oasis, a permanent well-spring of pure water in the midst of a terrible wasteland. \ And so you press your mouth to the receiver and drink deeply."; Bunk: deadflag = 142; "You awake at damn, unable to move. You try screaming for help, but the only sound you can \ produce is a sharp 'Ring!'^^Then you realize that the booth has engulfed you overnight, \ leaving you invisibly embedded into its frame, and that you are doomed to listen to \ inane conversations and have your receiver spat into until your phone model \ becomes obsolete."; Swing: deadflag = 149; "The booth, of course, has no moorings. Why would it in the 2004 Olympic Phone Booth Throw? Once around, twice around, three times and a mighty HEAVE...^^OH MY GOD IT'S A WORLD RECORD!"; Ozmoo: deadflag = 163; "You can tell the booth appreciates your efforts to keep it safe from an unnatural death. Unfortunately, when the comet hits, the booth's the only thing left standing ... and rightfully so, because phone booths can't die to begin with. You buffoon!"; Frotz: deadflag=178; "The phone booth begins to glow and shimmer with an unnatural light. Wow, this magic stuff really works! It is only after a few weeks that the residents of the town complain about the booth's extra-luminescence, especially at night, and they move to transport the phone booth to the cliff overlooking the harbor. On its first foggy night as de facto lighthouse, the glowing booth prevents a ship full of nice things for boys and girls to eat from crashing into the rocks. Everybody is happy and, with full bellies, they throw a grand parade just for YOU!"; Nitfol: deadflag = 181; "Finally, after years of waiting, you have the ability to talk to the phone booth. Finally you are privy to its thoughts, dreams, and its innermost secrets. What are you doing dilly-dallying around reading this text? Go on! Say hi to it!^^ ~Hello, Phone Booth.~^^ The booth appears startled to be able to understand you. After a moment's hesitation, it draws a breath and forms a reply.^^ ~The line is free. The line is free. The line is free.~^^ ~So. Um. I've never talked to a real live phone booth before.~^^ ~The line is free. The line is free.~^^ ~What's there to do around here?~^^ ~The line is free. The line is fr- incoming call! Incoming call! Incoming call!~^^ Quickly, you rush in to the booth and pick up the receiver, but you can't seem to hear whoever's on the other end. ~Receiving call. Receiving call. Receiving call. Receiving call. Receiving call.~^^ Eventually the person on the other end hangs up and you are so disgusted, you drop the receiver and run away, so incredibly disillusioned. The phone booth finally falls silent, but only for 90 seconds or so, and then begins the chant that will last for all eternity --^^ ~Off the hook, please hang up. Off the hook, please hang up. Off the hook, please hang up. Off the hook, please hang up...~"; Filfre: deadflag = 189; "The booth explodes in a shower of white-hot orange sparks, deep blue pinwheels, and loud rat-a-tat-tats! Little half-naked children run around the Catherine Wheels, dancing in the spark spray. Whistles and pops and loud screamers erupt in the sky, giving the townspeople a real festival for many days. And you just know that, far away across the country, Peter Brady just kissed his very first girl."; FillMe: deadflag = 195; print "It "; style underline; print "has"; style roman; print " been your lifelong dream to see what a phone booth would look like filled with creamy, delicious yogurt, hasn't it? Well, get cracking, Slappy! Time's a-wastin!^^ Several hours later, using every last carton of yogurt in a five-mile radius, you scoop the last spoonful of Raspberry Fruit-On-The-Bottom into the phone booth, put the top back on, and step back, admiring your handiwork. What a beautiful sight!^^ Then it happens. Deep inside the phone booth, you hear the ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. "; style underline; print "Oh my god, someone's trying to call you!"; style roman; "^^But you can't answer the phone, it's trapped inside a couple hundred gallons of yogurt. But you can't ignore the ring, it's insistent and there's no voice mail that'll pick up. Ring. Ring. And besides, your obsessive-compulsiveness just won't let that phone go unanswered. Will it?^^Ring. Ring. Ring.^^ Finally, you can't take it any longer. You've just got to answer the phone. And before anyone can stop you, you fling open the doors of the booth and make a mad lunge for the receiver, but you are too late. You are engulfed in a flood of sweet, fruity yogurt, and die as you lived.^^ Goofy."; WaltzWith: deadflag = 201; "Gently, your retro rockets nudge you into position. In space, no-one can hear Strauss, but that scarcely matters. You rotate slowly, edging ever closer to the counter-spinning booth. It is poetic. It is beautiful. It is a parody of one of my favourite films."; LoveMe: deadflag = 206; "You reach out to give the phone booth a flower. ~I love you, Phone Booth.~^^ The phone booth says that it loves you, too, and gives you a hug.^^^^ Wait, did I say hug? I meant falls on top of you and crushes you to death."; default: rfalse; ], Orders [; NotUnderstood: deadflag = 157; "The booth just stands there, silent, stoic, uncomprehending your casual order. Frustrated, you repeat your request and, as expected, the booth doesn't move. Undeterred, you step closer to the booth and repeat your kind request. When that doesn't work you whip off your DI hat, throw it to the ground, stomp on it, and begin the hollering. You question the phone booth's parental lineage, you cast aspersions upon the phone booth's sexual preferences, and you also use the fact that the booth could not even manage one measly pull-up as evidence that it is a disgrace to the Corps, all while the pounding of your heart in your ears grows louder and louder. Suddenly, as you get to ~WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, PRIVATE PHONEBOOTH?~ you gasp, reel back as if slugged in the stomach, and collapse to the ground, unconscious.^^ Your military funeral was quite nice, but the phone booth did not attend.^^ Goddamned recruits.^"; Yes: deadflag = 158; "The phonebooth blinks back at you. ~Y-yes?~ it responds, incredulous, with a wavering voice. Then it stands up and embraces you warmly. ~Oh, my love! You've made me the happiest phone booth in the entire Town Square!~ You kiss, and all is well in the world for once...^^ The fairy-tale wedding was lavish and romantic, presided by James Earl Jones himself (~This... is husband and wife.~) and just as wonderful you had always dreamed. The phone booth got a job in the big city as one of a bank of phones in the courthouse, and though the constant use by reporters was tough, you never once heard a complaint. Together, you settled down and raised five baby bells (one was PCS but you loved it as much as the others) and, barring any interruptions in service, lived as happily ever after as a fool in love could, considering YOU'RE A FREAK WHO MARRIED A DAMN PHONE BOOTH."; No: deadflag = 159; "You take your pencil and check the box marked () NO and return the note to the phone booth, taking care to fold the note back up and slip it through the door.^^ A day or so later you find ~BAH ON U~ scrawled on your locker in red magic marker. The phone booth misses several days of school, returns for one day in which it punches out the Guidance Counselor, and is sent to the ~alternate campus~. Years later, while home from college, pondering whether or not to tell your parents about your secret engagement, you happen upon a copy of the local paper. In the Police Log, you notice a mention of the phone booth being apprehended after its third DUI offense. And you can't help but wonder if it was all because of you.^^ Probably."; Tango: <>; Eat: switch(noun) { booth: deadflag = 184; "The booth shrugs, and then consumes itself in a twisted display of cannibalistic glee, folding in on itself like a giant crumply ball of tinfoil that's, er, crumpling. They may have moved the headstones from the Town Square but they didn't move the bodies, MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BODIES?! -- and only now have the restless spirits seen enough. Away they go, into some other dark regions of the Netherworld, never to bother you or Craig T. Nelson again. Phew! So! Who's up for a Coke?~"; pants: deadflag = 185; "The booth sniffs at you, and insists you read the alt.tv.simpsons 'Pedantically Annotated Character Quote FAQ'. ~It clearly says here that Bart Simpson's irreverent trademark slogan was 'Eat my shorts,' not 'Eat my pants.' However do you expect to impress anybody with only half a working knowledge of the ins and outs of the best show ever?~^^ The Phone Booth does not take too kindly to your comparisons between it and Comic Book Guy, and so it leaves in a huff. You spend the next five hours brushing up on your Star Trek minutiae. That'll show that know-it-all booth, dammit."; default: deadflag = 183; "The booth leans forward and says ~Oh yeah?! Sit on it, Potsie!~^^ The studio audience goes crazy! They haven't laughed this hard at a catch phrase since ~Up your nose with a rubber hose.~ It looks as if this'll be the biggest thing since ~One of these days, Alice...~ and, frankly, you feel proud enough to just have been the setup."; ! <--- SPATCH IS A TOTAL HACK PLS MAKE FUN OF HIM ! FOR THIS KLUDGE K THX BYE } ], has static animate worn; Include "Verblib"; [HackFix; HelpOther: <>; Search : deadflag = 67; "You turn your gaze inward, contemplating all you find there: \ your weird compulsions, like your habit of stealing everything that you don't \ find nailed down; your courage, your determination, your wide-eyed wonder; almost \ as though you were someone else looking in upon yourself, you find a kind of awareness \ that has never even occurred to you before this moment in all your unmemorable, \ background-free prior life."; Examine : print "You are SO NARCISSISTIC. Well, have I got a shock for you, love-bites-on-your-mirror-boy. While you're standing there admiring your oh-so-buff pecs and lats and whatever else you've spent thousands on gym fees for, a mugger sneaks up behind you. And guess what, he's got a gun! And all your fancy-ass high-tone shiny-oiled muscles don't do a damn thing against a .38 bullet as it rips through your chest. So NYAH.^"; deadflag = 1; rtrue; Pull : print "This may not be Georgia, but there's still laws against that sort of behavior. The police know that too. So when some busybody passing old biddy ducks into the phone booth and calls 911, it's all over for you. And may I add, EW GROSS.^"; deadflag = 15; rtrue; Push : print "That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I'm trying to code up a response to everything, so. You, uh, push yourself over. And graze your knee on the ground. And bump your head on the phone booth. Wasn't that exciting?^"; deadflag = 16; rtrue; Burn : print "Ok.^"; deadflag = 1; rtrue; Attack : print "Always obey orders, the Army taught you. Well, the voices in your head have been harping on this one for weeks. With a tough uppercut you bring yourself down, but a swift jab to the ribs evens the score. And so it goes, the long painful march into unconsciousness.^"; deadflag = 16; rtrue; Enter : print "Let me explain something to you about the object tree. You see, the object tree goes from a top level down. It has no loops. It is NOT POSSIBLE for an object, even a Zen-minded smartass player, to be inside itself. But hey, let's give it a shot, shall we?^"; deadflag = 20; rtrue; Cook: deadflag = 66; "Probably a good idea before you try >EAT ME."; WakeOther: <>; Climb : print "Let's see now. This foot goes on this knee, and this foot goes... oops, you fell over. Trying again. This foot goes through this opening to get a better hold, then this foot goes.. no, there you go again. Again. This foot goes.. ow. This hurts.^"; deadflag = 16; rtrue; Eat : print "Yeah, fuck you too, buddy.^"; deadflag = 12; rtrue; Waylay : print "You never see yourself coming. You clever bastard. Handsome, too."; deadflag = 24; rtrue; Open : print "You carefully peel aside your skin and muscle while simultaneously shifting protrusive organs into neighboring cavities. In this manner, the proper bones are revealed.^^The crowd roars. ~LET THE BONEJACKING BEGIN!~^^ ~Entertain us!~ shouts a man in the third row. ~We tire of your patience!~"; deadflag = 27; rtrue; Kick : print "Seven years ago today you made the fateful decision to leave your wife of twelve years. She, of course, has since become the world famous Ted Williams, scourge of the skies with a kill rate of .406. You, on the other hand, have spent most of this time as a roadie for Hanson. Mmm-Bop, you fuckers! What does that even mean? I could've been The Splendid Splinter!"; deadflag = 78; rtrue; Smell : deadflag = 34; "It's at moments like this that you regret your decision to \ ~rough it~ on this vacation. You could have brought at least, like, a \ bar of soap..."; listen: deadflag = 35; "You listen to your heart / before you tell him goodbye..."; Wave: deadflag = 37; "You do the wave.^^The booth does the wave too, caught up in your \ team spirit.^^No, wait. That's not the wave, that's a seismic event!!!"; Shake: deadflag = 36; "You begin to shiver and shake. This sort of thing never turns out \ well."; HoldMe: deadflag = 161; "You shake in the darkness, fearful of life, fearful of the future, fearful of everything. Your mouth goes dry, your eyes quiver, but you manage to croak out a half-whispered ~Hold me.~ But no one hears you. Not even the chair. Neil Diamond and AM Gold cannot help you now."; Taste: deadflag = 40; "You lovingly taste your own lips, reviewing your earlier meal of \ corn niblets and hot grits. MMMMMM."; Bite: deadflag = 42; "Just because there's not actually any way to win this game, that doesn't \ mean you have an excuse to give the parser lip."; Touch: deadflag = 121; "Oh. That helps. That helps a GREAT DEAL. It may help MUCH TOO MUCH if you're not careful. You will be careful, won't you?"; Wear: deadflag = 73; "That's so -- so apt. We all wear ourselves as a mask, do we not? And \ so you assume yourself as a shell, and leave behind your vulnerability, that openness that \ exists only in solitude, before you approach any others..."; LookUnder: deadflag = 75; "Picking up both of your feet at the same time and peering at \ the bottoms of your soles is a good way to --^^Hey! You're levitating! And you \ have dogshit on your shoe!!"; JumpOver: deadflag = 77; "There's really nothing to prove your strength, your flexibility, \ your sheer imagination, like a series of cartwheels all around the Square."; KissTwo: print "You bend your lips in upon themselves, creating an inescapable paradox. The school of fish appears again and again as your dolphin body begins to dissolve."; deadflag = 80; rtrue; Explode: deadflag = 101; "You take a deep deep swallow of two little pills of blue gel. When their gelatin capsules \ inevitably wear through in the confines of your stomach and mingle with the strong acid there, \ the result is explosive.^^The ensuing mess takes days to clean up."; Blow, Rub: deadflag = 100; "..."; BlowOn: deadflag = 104; "You blow lightly on your wrists in a futile attempt to cool your own \ superheated blood.^^Ever since you got consumption, things have been SO UNPLEASANT."; Esplode: deadflag = 102; "You take a deep deep deep deep breath and then, swelling to \ ginormous proportions, you poke yourself with a needle!!!^^The ensuing mess takes \ days to clean up."; Clean: deadflag = 106; "Stepping inside the phone booth, you dial 1-800-SHOWERX. The receiver immediately \ delivers a blast of warm water, first cleaning out your inner ears with the force of \ a warm Niagara, then bathing the rest of your body in a soothing burble of fresh water \ and suds."; Dig: deadflag = 110; "Yeeeeah, daddy-o! You're one hep cat tonight! Let's head out to the soda shop and see what's cookin' over there!"; Squeeze: deadflag = 113; "You hug yourself tightly, bracing against the biting wind that races through the \ town square, blowing air and rainwater in all directions. The phone booth looms, \ promising shelter against this bitter weather, and you fling yourself inside, collapsing \ against its inner walls, just as the onslaught grows more intense."; Cut: deadflag = 114; "You turn viciously upon yourself, throwing around insults like ~Your Ma wears Army \ Boots!!~ and ~So's your old man!~ And cut deeply by this cruel onslaught you collapse \ weeping on the ground, crushed by your own self-loathing."; Take: deadflag = 115; "You fold yourself neatly in quarters and slip yourself into your own pockets."; Turn: deadflag = 123; "What did the CIA ever do for you anyway? 15 years of dirty tricks, holing up in tinpot little foreign countries no clean-living American ever heard of, shuffling leaders around like so many cards in a marked deck. Well, that's it. You have had enough. From now on, it's the way of Stalin, Mao, Che, Trotsky and Ralph Nader for you. Oh yeah. You're gonna join the goddamn KGB. And your paymasters in the lousy stinking capitalist bureaucratic US of A can stick that corn on their cob and make niblets out of it. Hell yeah!"; Lagach: deadflag = 132; "Ah, but, see, in order for that to work, you would have to yourself be a link to something. \ And the only thing you're a link to is your parents' summer house out on the Vineyard, \ an old snooty property that makes your liberal blood curdle like cheap cheese every time you \ so much as think about it. So you'd really rather not--^^Aw fuck, here you are anyway."; Caskly: deadflag = 147; "Perfection? Could it be yours? Perhaps speaking the words of power will bring you to that \ ultimate plateau.^^You say the words. Heat rushes through your veins. Your hair stands on \ end, and in the one moment of clarity left to you you realize: at no point in time would \ a perfect being be caught dead playing this game."; Tie: deadflag = 134; "Masochism and bondage, unfortunately, don't work so well when you don't have any accomplices. \ You get yourself about half tied up and then give up.^^Then you wait a really really long time \ for biddy Wilson to find you and untie you again. And the explanation you give her has to be \ one of the lamest excuses on record in interactive fiction, but fortunately she is so shallowly \ implemented that she doesn't notice a thing."; Drink: deadflag = 135; "You are not, actually, a little bottle with an alluring tag tied about your neck."; Fill: deadflag = 137; "You settle down against the phone booth with a bag of plastic peanuts (NOT the \ biodegradable kind) and pop them like, well, peanuts.^^Two or three hours later your \ craving is fulfilled and you yourself are as eminently ready for shipment as a thing \ that's really really ready for shipment. Licking a stamp and putting it on your nose, you \ mark yourself RETURN TO SENDER and hop in the mailbox, ready for adventure."; Swing: deadflag = 139; "Jitterbugging, Beach Bopping and Jiving, you swing the night away with wild abandon. Towards the end, you're not altogether sure that the booth isn't swinging too. It certainly seems well dressed for the evening, especially with those shiny new spats beckoning your nimble feet to join in the last Flying Lindy of the night. The next morning, you are found atop a flag pole."; Ozmoo: deadflag = 164; "While you're not surrounded by any visible kind of aura, you breathe a heck of a lot better knowing that you're now not susceptible to an unnatural death. BUT A HEART ATTACK IS NATURAL BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry."; Close: deadflag = 169; "~All right, listen, Player,~ you suddenly say. ~This is Worker speaking. Hello.~ You stand up straight and address yourself professionally.^^ ~Hi! Open for maintenance alignment.~^^ The phone booth is shocked, its door agape in amazement. ~What have you done?!~ You grin.^^ ~Good. Now, let me show you something, Booth! ... Detail dress circuits.~^^ You respond mechanically to your own request.^~Belt. Above 'A'. Below 'B'.~^^ ~Okay, close 'B' clothes mode.~ And with that, your pants shimmer, then fade out of existence.^^ The booth is suitably concerned about this sudden change of events. ~Oh my duck! His pants have disappeared! Kid, everybody's watchin...~ Ignoring the booth, you continue to give yourself orders.^^~Ego.~^^ ~Go...~^^ ~Close Player mode.~ There is a slight hum, and you become nothing but a formless hologram, a collection of light particles. The booth remains stupefied. ~It's a rainbow! What happened to the Player?!~^^ Unfortunately, before you can clone yourself and depart to the Shadows to talk to Dr. Memory, Deputy Dan shows up and escorts you out of the Future. Oh well. You'll just have to save that Porridge-Bird question for another time."; Buy: deadflag = 176; "You hop into the phone booth and place a quick call to your broker. ~Buy Me at 15!~^^ For the next few months, you watch with glee as your stock goes up and up and up. Your first launch party (~Say Hello To... Me!~) is an incredible success, thanks in no small part to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Burt Bacharach. You begin running commercials in prime-time, and in no time at all your name is a household word (except, of course, if it was already a common English word like ~Mark~ or ~Sue~.) But then the bubble bursts on the economy, frantic VC investors see red and pull out, noticing you haven't shown any kind of product except, well, you, and before you know it, your own stock has fallen to a price roughly equivalent to that of a pack of gum. Oh well. Win some, lose some. At least your Loungent stock hasn't tanked ... OR HAS IT?!"; Frotz: deadflag = 177; "You now glow brightly with an unnatural light. While you'll never be in danger of being eaten by a Grue again, you'll also be incredibly unpopular at the movie theater."; Nitfol: deadflag = 182; "For years you've been talking to yourself and other people under the delusion that you've understood what you were saying. Now you find that things couldn't have been further from the truth. For instance, when you told your mom ~But you don't understand, Chris and I are in love,~ you really said ~I'm young and idealistic and besides, nobody else would french-kiss me.~ When later on you told Chris ~Sure, I'll still like you as a friend,~ you really said ~HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA you suck.~ And when you said ~Pick Up The Phone Booth and Aisle? Sure, I'll give it a try,~ you really said ~Might as well face the fact that I am so incredibly bored, playing this game just narrowly beat out setting my eyebrows on fire.~^^ It's an ugly world, and the truth is uglier. And no, you can't go back and take the stupid blue pill because THERE IS NO BLUE PILL."; Filfre: deadflag = 188; "Was there any particular reason you wanted to esplode yourself in a shower of fireworks? Not many people have such a desire, but apparently you did, and now apparently you have. Hope you enjoy your newfound existence as vaporized particles, floating aimlessly around the ether."; FillMe: deadflag = 193; "All this moving and puzzle-solving and undoing has made you hungry, dammit, so off you go across the street to the All-U-Can-Eat Sushi Buffet (~SEE OUR MINIMUM WAGE SLAVES MAKE SUSHI.~) After five hours and at least two Big-Ass SushiBotez later, you stagger back to the Town Square, bloated but still with that happy, satiated feeling.^^ Then the lousy stinkin' phone booth cons you into eating one tiny wafer-thin mint, and you esplode. Cut to Terry Gilliam animation."; WaltzWith: deadflag = 202; "Leaping into the booth, you hurriedly press the red button marked TAKE-OFF. The rocketbooth blasts into space. Soon you are hurtling to the center of the universe, where you can meet counter-you, the version that is rotated through the^^ (cue Twilight Zone music)^^Fourth Dimension.^^This all works out so well. For a start, you know that counter-you is headed for the center of the universe, too. And she's left handed. ^^When at last you arrive, you both play some suitably romantic music, and the dance begins. But wait..."; DanceWith: deadflag = 8; "Welcome to the New England Square Dancing Championship of 2003.^^Take your partner, and let's dance, folks.^^Uh, wait- partner?"; LoveMe: deadflag = 205; "Looking inwardly at yourself, you come to the conclusion that the children are our future. We should teach them well and let them lead the way. You know -- show them all the beauty they possess inside, and give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Right there, in front of the phone booth and the entire town, you promise to let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.^^ Sure, you decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. But now, you vow to always understand that no matter what -- if you fail or if you succeed, at least you've lived the life you lead. And no matter what they take from you, you just know that they can't take away your dignity."; BootOther: deadflag = 209; "Whatever."; default: rfalse; ]; [Initialise; location = only_location; move pants to player; player.before = HackFix;]; [ DeathMessage; switch (deadflag) { 3 : print "You have migrated"; 4 : print "You are so from New York which isn't in New England SO WHAT"; 5 : print "You have achieved revenge"; 6 : print "You have fought for Truth, Justice and the American Way"; 7 : print "You have founded Starbucks"; 8 : print "You have been disqualified"; 9 : print "You have been recognized"; 10 : print "You have not been recognized"; 11 : print "You have been pacified"; 12 : print "You have annoyed the author"; 13 : print "You have a broken heart"; 14 : print "You are south of a yellow house"; 15 : print "You have been arrested"; 16 : print "You have a wacky pratfall"; 17 : print "You have missed the point"; 18 : print "You jumped"; 19 : print "You were the CEO of pets.com"; 20 : print "You have crashed the machine"; 21 : print "You have done something unnecessary"; 22 : print "What the hell was all that about?"; 23 : print "No, really, you are such a fucking disgrace to the Jews"; 24 : print "Best. Death. Ever."; 25 : print "You have pissed off the voice (that's a first)"; 26 : print "Oy! With the death message and the restore and the nice savey!"; 27 : print "You have ripped off Cody Sandifer"; 28 : print "You have quit smoking"; 29: print "You have bored yourself to death"; 30: print "You have been eaten by a mutant star goat. PS We love you DNA"; 31: print "You have come to a weird, postModern conclusion"; 32: print "You have succeeded in enjoying your vacation"; 33: print "You have been ruined"; 34: print "You have borne a deceptive resemblance to a yak"; 35: print "You have rethought your decision to leave Roxette"; 36: print "You have fallen into a Fit"; 37: print "The Earth moved"; 38: print "Mmmm Martini"; 39: print "You have completed your connoisseurship tour of Phone Booths of the North"; 40: print "You ARE a chef"; 41: print "The power of your lungs is undisputed"; 42: print "You have been sent to your room"; 43: print "LIONS!!!!"; 44: print "You've realized that you're in one of those tiresome, PUZZLELESS works"; 45: print "You have recognized the futility of your existence"; 46: print "New England? I meant Florida"; 47: print "You have met Eliza"; 48: print "You have become a game design FIEND"; 49: print "You've become a bit depressed about your accomplishments"; 50: print "Ka-boom"; 51: print "You have revealed a wussy desire for assistance unbecoming an adventurer"; 52: print "You have been forced to bulldoze the booth. For its own good"; 53: print "Author attempts Ad Verbum amusement"; 54: print "Mongolia is now... Verizon"; 55: print "You have been hideously consumed"; 56: print "You have bought the farm"; 57: print "Looking around is not always a good idea"; 58: print "You have waxed philosophical"; 59: print "You've got a date"; 60: print "Another fine success"; 61: print "You have gazed upon one of the old gods"; 62: print "It's my turn now"; 63: print "You are a princess. A moon princess"; 64: print "SYCAMORA TREEEEEE [298 words to go...]"; 65: print "You have made pancakes"; 66: print "Now you're cookin'"; 67: print "You have achieved Inner Knowledge"; 68: print "You have regained your secret identity"; 69: print "You seem to have gotten a little blood on your boots"; 70: print "For once you, the villain, have won"; 71: print "Blub blub"; 72: print "You've closed the final door"; 73: print "You square your shoulders and go"; 74: print "You've proven yourself by looking under every possible object. YOU ARE WORTHY"; 75: print "You have won some and lost some"; 76: print "You have martyred yourself to your own pride"; 77: print "You are a freewheeling kind of soul"; 78: print "Mendozzaaaaaaaa!!!!!"; 79: print "Plume"; 80: print "The simulation ends"; 81: print "Thisisthendyay"; 82: print "You have realized your place in the scheme of things"; 83: print "PHONE BOOTH"; 84: print "Your full score is too daunting to contemplate"; 85: print "You have fulfilled your domestic duty"; 86: print "You fail to hoodwink the Management"; 87: print "You have a permanently out of body experience"; 88: print "Deja Vu"; 89: print "You've really gotten around, yup"; 90: print "You're in mourning for the lost cheese"; 91: print "You have collapsed sobbing on your keyboard"; 92: print "You have embraced the Message of Zarf"; 93: print "Specially meaningless ending"; 94: print "You have peeled off the mask!!"; 95: print "You have made the parser cry"; 96: print "You've given up gracefully"; 97: print "You could really use a shower right about now"; 98: print "Vincent Lynch would be SO PROUD"; 99: print "BOOM! YAY!"; 100: print "Big Al would be SO PROUD"; 101: print "You've committed one of this sleepy town's most memorable suicides"; 102: print "You've distributed yourself all over town"; 103: print "You have Offended Our sensibilities"; 104: print "You faint dead away (on a chaise longue)"; 105: print "Ting!"; 106: print "Cleanliness is now next to... Verizon"; 107: print "You have fallen into Advertising Wonderland"; 108: print "You have added to your collection"; 109: print "You are the MixMeistro"; 110: print "Woot!"; 111: print "Verizon cries!"; 112: print "Thank you for entering SmoochieComp 2002"; 113: print "You narrowly survive Hurricane Emily712"; 114: print "Aren't you glad I didn't take that LITERALLY?"; 115: print "Yikes"; 116: print "Your crime spree is over"; 117: print "Nothing immediate results from your thought. As usual."; 118: print "Next!"; 119: print "Och!"; 120: print "Meanwhile..."; 121: print "There will be love again"; 122: print "You have wasted 3 notebooks on a colossal map"; 123: print "You have betrayed your country for 3 rubles and a fifth of vodka"; 124: print "You are now smithereens"; 125: print "You have been rejected"; 126: print "You have reached Nirvana"; 127: print "You have been ignored"; 128: print "Today is Saturday"; 129: print "You have gone about things wrong"; 130: print "You've entered oblivion"; 131: print "You have transported yourself to ancient Alexandria"; 132: print "You have returned to your roots"; 133: print "The hare would be SO PROUD"; 134: print "You've gotten away with your wacky fetish... FOR NOW"; 135: print "You have been disillusioned, but you have a bottle of Absolut"; 136: print "SHADE"; 137: print "You are pretty squishy in the middle now"; 138: print "Your nap is dreamless and refreshing."; 139: print "My god how embarrassing"; 140: print "Dagnabbit, that should have worked"; 141: print "You are diced into glittery colored shards, flyboy";